A Love Story

I wish I would have met you sooner had I known how much you would change me. You gave me life and a new perspective on the world, something I never knew existed at such a level.

You were a challenge from the start; to learn your characteristics, your methods, and your tiny quirks, yet you still challenge me every day as I continue to learn, grow, and progress with you.

You have granted me the most intense heartbreak, consuming joy, and emotion filled days, nights, and years that could never hold a price.

We have been many places together, experiencing some of the most breath-taking views, adrenaline-filled nights and heart-stopping moments.

You have never failed me, never broken, never waivered; but I have misunderstood you, failed to trust you, or doubted myself with you. But those moments have to lead to growth.

Your artistry and refinement are systemic as you bend ever so delicately, yet maintaining intense strength and power.

As my hand grips around you, I pull you ever so slowly to me, and hold on just for a moment before the most perfect release. The rush of the flight is a spectacle to witness day or night as it collides in pure exquisite elegance.

Through you I see things differently, more focused and aligned, diminishing all the outside world and for that I am forever grateful.

Happy Valentines Day to my love...my beautiful bow!

Grounded & Free

 

 

The roots are home, the roots are it's home, the roots are my home, my foundation, strong yet flexible. They pulse in the ground like a heartbeat. Stronghold. Growing deeper everyday, spreading underground yet no one sees their beauty, the inner strength that so many overlook, pass up or stomp on. The roots are home & where the souls were born, created & grounded. I am rooted like the tree yet my inner strength is hidden, buried deep inside. Push the tree, push me, but never fail to understand where the true strength comes from; not the bark, the limbs or the leaves. The roots, holding tight to the ground, growing stronger and deeper every day.

The sap filling up inside for the days when the roots are holding strong but emotion escapes through the tiny crevices. The sap that slowly comes out when it cries reveals a sweet and vulnerable side; it is not usually seen from afar but only by those who seek a close inspection, to embrace it's emotion & even collect or wipe away the residue. It cannot hide forever, it must release & show its true beauty of what it holds.

The thorns are always there but covered with leaves, flowers, and hidden; woven and intertwined throughout its beauty. The thorns are a defense that will strike when necessary, guard, protect, hurt and punish. Get too close and the pain will be inflicted if ill intentions are witnessed. If genuine interest & handled with care the thorns are strong, perfectly formed, precise, and add to the strength and beauty of the tree.

The beans or fruit produced reveal a nurturing side to give sustenance, a mothering instinct to provide to those who call it home, even in passing for a quick replenishing morsel. Patience is required for a taste but wait too long and the fruit will sour, drop, spoil & ruin those who seek its nourishment. Timing is paramount to feast and requires attention and delicate care.

The layers of bark build a strong barrier, holding in the sap and tender new skin. Weathering through all storms, punishing heat, and frigid cold, the bark will hold fast and strong. It's surface will change, take a beating, scar, warp, and peel but it will protect. Sometimes it will peel and remove old wounds to regrow a more powerful covering only to build stronger everyday.

It bends but won't break. The limbs and leaves will sway in the wind, slightly giving in to the storm. But it knows it's only doing what is necessary because this too shall pass. Leaves may be lost, bark may be damaged, roots could be tested, but it holds strong to its foundation only wavering slightly on the outside; just enough to keep moving but always returning to its natural position.

The sound of the breeze whistling through the leaves. It screams, it whispers, it infuriates and calms. Sometimes it cries out from the constant battering of the wind when the surface is being attacked. The leaves flutter and fall to the ground signaling a release of anything weak or void. It will regrow, prosper and build stronger and more beautiful and bountiful than before.

Each season brings a new challenge and change. The fall is a true spectacle to be seen as it shows off its personality with vibrant colors and shades of beauty. It puts on a show just before the next season. The winter is cold as it stands barren but strong. The snow and ice is heavy and burdensome but it shows no regret. It will survive & regrow when nurturing returns.

The spring is a time of rebirth; as water and nourishment returns it grasps at every ounce. The birds return to their homes and bring life and music to the tree as it drinks up all it will need to produce and stand ready for the heat. The scorching heat of the summer will test it again, but it has prepared for it, tested itself, and stored what is needed to make it through. Although tired, it will provide a cool place for those weary souls to rest and rejuvenate in a way only a tree can provide.

Grounded and free I will always be.

Dear Wild West Texas

After visiting West Texas in 2013 I wrote this on my cell phone in a few short minutes driving back home (well I wasn't driving haha) It had such an effect on me the words just spilled out into this. It is one of my favorites. My fav paragraph is marked with **Asterisks**

 

 

Dear Wild West Texas,

I have hunted the Heart of the Hill Country & the Soul of South Texas but only passed through your land out west. You have a personality all its own that has stood the test of time, ignores the progression of technology, and has touched a piece of my soul. You, Wild West Texas, have been a blessed adventure I will never forget. 

 

I found you 50 miles from the nearest anything, with no cell phone service, a single radio station of AM only, and the only traffic traveling your roads were tire testers. Your dust has filled my nose, my eyes, and my teeth; not to mention my gear but I am thankful for your unforgiving nature. Your rocky, steep mountains and hills tested my steps but provided breathtaking views. Your canyons and draws showed off your beauty and serenity, a stark green contrast to the monotone pallet of dust, dirt, & rock. 

 

Oh Wild West Texas you are so stubborn but yet so inviting. When you showed me your sparse water I was thankful and you were gracious enough to allow animals to drink and survive. I can feel your intensity in the dryness of my hands and chapped lips but feel your softness in the fur of the rams & sheep who call you home. 

 

Thank you for revealing yourself to me in the people who live life a little slower, spend their entire day outside, work hard, are gracious for the important things in life and love every bit of it. Seeing children outside from sun up to sun down only emphasizes your true beauty and tradition and reminds me of why I want to be in the field as much as possible. 

 

Your Wild spirit captured my heart and secured a place in it. You unveiled unique animals to me I have never seen up close including Texas Dahl, Corsican Rams, & Barbado’s. You also produced Axis deer, hogs, whitetail deer, turkey, and red stag, all free roaming, unfenced and wild. You provided unlimited predators and varmints including over 10 foxes we were able to call in. As I heard them bark I said Thank You for such an open area to see and hear them. 

 

**Wild West Texas, you slowed down even more at night and wrapped your arms around me with your endless sky, countless stars, and a silence so loud it was deafening. You are a contradiction that many will never understand. From afar you are a vast, empty, endless area of rugged land that is stifling, uncomfortable, and almost painful; up close, however, as I stood in the middle of nowhere, it is your somewhere that makes me believe, adore, and love you.**

 

Although you did not provide an opportunity to harvest an animal with my bow, you did present them to be taken with a gun; I however passed on that opportunity and instead soaked up your beauty and saw things to add to my scrapbook of memories in my heart and head. I saw two gorgeous lambs that were so pregnant they could barely walk; a piece of me was hoping to witness their birth in the middle of the wild. It would have been an exquisite moment to be there and watch the circle of life from 15 yards away in my ground blind. Even though a birth didn’t happen I saw the love of a mother in nature and I am content. I know, however, that you my friend will be there to nurture them and raise them.

 

Finally Wild West Texas, you have unlocked a piece of my soul and opened my eyes to another unique place to hunt, a place to love for what it is; an unforgiving land that forces you to respect its beauty of endless skies, mountains, and rock bluffs. I hope you will remain untouched by the destruction of the city and technology; do not let it change you, but rather change the minds of those who only see you from afar. Stay Wild my West Texas friend, ill see you again soon! 

Sincerely, 

A Huntress with a Wild Heart

 

Heals and Haunts

I mentioned in my previous blog “Baby Brows ‘Bout Time Buck” (http://camocandace.blogspot.com/2014/10/baby-brows-bout-time-buck.html) that I was working on a more ‘poetic’ version of the extreme emotional response to taking this buck…but to understand the highs, the lows must also be felt. In honor of the pure unfiltered bliss and bluster a hunter’s journey travels through I present this…I hope you can relate. 

  

Hunting; a consuming love triangle between me, my mind and the woods where learning how to fail is a staple of the journey.  It is a sickness that heals and haunts me, that brings me to the peak of my being and plunges to the depths of my soul. 

Before reaching a culmination of supreme perfection I press my face against the foundation of rock bottom where the cold, hard reality of heartbreak in the woods exists. Unfortunately this is not truly failure but a necessary moment each must turn and face at some point; however, in my mind and many like it, these are logged as failures long before a retrospective view is forced that ultimately leads to another scratch on the experience tree. There are moments where the bridge is burned solely to force a turnaround to face what you may have been avoiding or failed to see.

There goes my heart falling, falling, falling to the chasm created inside from a mistake, a misstep, or an uncontrollable moment only Mother Nature could create. When it hits, it hurts. It wrenches inside a pain that burns me, crushes confidence, ignites doubts, and envelops every thought. The world stops as a glimmer of self-pity sneaks in and weakness threatens to haunt me. I stagger and stumble through my mind in a cloud of disbelief, ambiguity, and empathy for any affected by this moment. It is a battle; it is hell on my mind, body and soul. Words cannot rectify it, comfort is out of reach and it is my solo internal struggle. Time, determination, dedication, and the inability to deny the fibers of my being will regenerate me and harmony will be restored; even if only briefly to carry on to witness the perfect moment we all seek. Unfortunately the return to heartbreak is nearly inevitable but it is the challenge, the moments, and the indescribable feelings inside that will always bring me back.

 After pure suffering through the dark moments of defeat, there comes a light that will shine brighter than ever before and blind the doubt that existed in my mind. With success comes renewed ambition, promise and confidence that the path I am on is deserved, honest, and merited. A successful shot is followed by a complete adrenaline release, uncontrollable shaking, tears, and a constant replay of the matter at hand. If the reward does not fall within sight all elation is stifled, just barely, by questionable ambivalence teetering on the brink of insanity followed by prayer. My heart is on the line, living in danger. Yes, no, good, bad, what if, please Lord.

But when that moment of confirmation arrives there is nothing, I mean nothing that can contain the passion, intensity and spirit of seeing the animal down. Typically I freeze in disbelief as my heart leaves my body and soars to the Heavens with gratitude and the tears continue to drain all logic from my mind leaving only emotion. It is raw, pure, unfiltered euphoria; a high like no other. As I move to feel the concrete evidence of my success and sustenance, the smile spread across my face can be seen for miles and is broken up with intervals of laughter as enthusiasm continues to exude from my body; in all forms of tears, laughter, dance, and embrace I am there in that moment and nowhere else. It, all of it, has come together. Perseverance, affliction, endless days and nights, Mother Nature, the intellectual warfare, physical complaints, and barraging battles unique to their own, all have collided in that moment and it cannot and will not be taken away…at least until the next meeting with the foundation of rock bottom starts its vicious cycle again.

It heals and it haunts…

Content in Colorado

 

I am not the first, I am not the last, there have been many before me, there will be many after me; but I am one. One of the blessed to have set foot into a world that cannot be explained through pictures, videos or descriptions alone. It must be experienced, smelled, touched, lived, harnessed & embraced.

 

It will wrap you up, consume you, and dominate your entire soul without much effort. You will become its host as it dives deep into a part of you that has never existed in the forefront of your being. It will transform your thoughts, your breathing, your perspective & your movement through moments that captivate & morph your mind.

 

So cheers to you Colorado for every single tiny moment you presented to me and know that the one word that punched me in the heart with every step was thankful. But that single word fails to fulfill the vast amount of emotion I have about it.

 

 

The following is an attempt to respect the high country with each moment, thought, reflection or encounter with forever gratitude of each…

 

*The opportunity to make the journey to such a beautiful place with such genuine people

   

*A safe trip to and from our destination

*The motivation provided to push my exercise routine to the max prior to the trip and the hard work paying off carrying me through the mountains over 40 miles. Being able to focus on everything else and not being tired or sore was phenomenal and worth every drop of sweat leading up to the trip

 

 

 *Spring water from the sink faucet to fill up my Platypus hydration pack (South Texas misses the mark on tasty sink water!) 

 

*Pockets – oh how I am indebted to my pockets! Some filled with gear while others were filled with almonds and protein bars

  

*REI and the LOWA boots they fitted me with. (Lowa Renegades to be exact) Light, comfortable, and carried me for 7 days without fail, through rocks, water, steep inclines, and deep ravines

  

*Great weather! Although it was a bit too hot for elk, we could have had rain, hail, sleet, etc throughout the trip. Even though we did not get an elk the gorgeous weather made for unforgettable views and memories 

 

*Being overwhelmed by the Aspen eyes and the changing leaves just in the short time we were there. Some thought the Aspen eyes were creepy but I thought they were caring and watchful. I felt safe as the mountain watched over me and the others and embraced me in their warmth of their yellow leaves. Sitting and glassing or calling one leaf would fall and seemingly tap me on the shoulder and whisper to me. Magical and content.



 

  

*All of my senses – Vision (which for some of you know my struggle) to be able to see and feel with my eyes the unparalleled majestic views that were continuously presented to me. The pictures fall far from reality, fail to provide the angles and nuances witnessed

Smell – the invigorating scent of nature’s air freshener of the towering pines pleased my nose (and the pine needles were even used to smash between my armpit to help reduce scent from a little sweating during some of the climbs! Yep I improvised!) The smell of fresh, clean, untainted air!

Hearing - rather listening not hearing. My ears were overcome with the moments of deafening silence then filled with the sounds of water. Tiny trickles in some areas, rushing over pebbles in others, and some splashing when I fell in a few spots. Birds, squirrels, mule deer tip toeing and hopping through the thick willows, followed by the screech of a hawk overhead and the hoot of an owl in the evenings. I listened constantly to my feet on the dirt, rocks, dried pine needles, and bark beneath as I was carried higher into the mountains

Touch - I reached out and felt everything; the cold, very cold, water on my bare feet and hands as I bear crawled across a rushing creek, the bark of the aspens, the strength of the willows as they cut into my hands as I held onto them to keep from sliding down the slopes, the wet dirt near the base of the pines, and the cool mornings

Taste - yes the taste of the rock face I kissed when I reached the top of one of the steepest mountains I have ever climbed and the intense salt flavor of a salt block I found on one of our hikes for the free roaming cattle. How could I not kneel down and taste it!

   

 

*The laughter, oh the laughter I am thankful for to have had with some amazing people. Although most of it was me being a dork there were so many moments of true happiness, laughter, and endless smiles that I cannot begin to list them all; in the mountains, in the truck, and back at the lodge

 

*The unique moments that cannot and will not be experienced again on any other trip; you cannot relive any of these 'firsts' again which makes them so special. Although we will go again and create more memories, moments, and monumental achievements, the first trip will always be special. The mistakes, the exploring and learning along the way, and all of the firsts of everything are burned into my soul

*The pure unfiltered experience of just being there; forgetting I was even hunting and staring in awe at everything God has made. All the moments when we just stood and stared; no words, no movement, just embracing the moment for what it is and that we were there in that place at that time. Finding the beauty in each and every piece of the mountain was enough to fill my heart even if a tag wasn't.

 

There is so much more I was thankful for on this trip that just can't be put into words, rather they are in my heart, pulsing through my veins, and filling my being until I can get back there soon.