I
mentioned in my previous blog “Baby Brows ‘Bout Time Buck” (http://camocandace.blogspot.com/2014/10/baby-brows-bout-time-buck.html)
that I was working on a more ‘poetic’ version of the extreme emotional response
to taking this buck…but to understand the highs, the lows must also be felt. In
honor of the pure unfiltered bliss and bluster a hunter’s journey travels
through I present this…I hope you can relate.
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Hunting;
a consuming love triangle between me, my mind and the woods where learning how
to fail is a staple of the journey. It is a sickness that heals and
haunts me, that brings me to the peak of my being and plunges to the depths of
my soul.
Before
reaching a culmination of supreme perfection I press my face against the
foundation of rock bottom where the cold, hard reality of heartbreak in the
woods exists. Unfortunately this is not truly failure but a necessary moment
each must turn and face at some point; however, in my mind and many like it,
these are logged as failures long before a retrospective view is forced that
ultimately leads to another scratch on the experience tree. There are moments
where the bridge is burned solely to force a turnaround to face what you may
have been avoiding or failed to see.
There
goes my heart falling, falling, falling to the chasm created inside from a
mistake, a misstep, or an uncontrollable moment only Mother Nature could
create. When it hits, it hurts. It wrenches inside a pain that burns me,
crushes confidence, ignites doubts, and envelops every thought. The world stops
as a glimmer of self-pity sneaks in and weakness threatens to haunt me. I
stagger and stumble through my mind in a cloud of disbelief, ambiguity, and
empathy for any affected by this moment. It is a battle; it is hell on my mind,
body and soul. Words cannot rectify it, comfort is out of reach and it is my
solo internal struggle. Time, determination, dedication, and the inability
to deny the fibers of my being will regenerate me and harmony will be restored;
even if only briefly to carry on to witness the perfect moment we all seek.
Unfortunately the return to heartbreak is nearly inevitable but it is the
challenge, the moments, and the indescribable feelings inside that will always
bring me back.
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After
pure suffering through the dark moments of defeat, there comes a light that
will shine brighter than ever before and blind the doubt that existed in my
mind. With success comes renewed ambition, promise and confidence that the path
I am on is deserved, honest, and merited. A successful shot is followed by a
complete adrenaline release, uncontrollable shaking, tears, and a constant
replay of the matter at hand. If the reward does not fall within sight all
elation is stifled, just barely, by questionable ambivalence teetering on the
brink of insanity followed by prayer. My heart is on the line, living in
danger. Yes, no, good, bad, what if, please Lord.
But when
that moment of confirmation arrives there is nothing, I mean nothing that can
contain the passion, intensity and spirit of seeing the animal down. Typically
I freeze in disbelief as my heart leaves my body and soars to the Heavens with
gratitude and the tears continue to drain all logic from my mind leaving only
emotion. It is raw, pure, unfiltered euphoria; a high like no other. As I move
to feel the concrete evidence of my success and sustenance, the smile spread
across my face can be seen for miles and is broken up with intervals of
laughter as enthusiasm continues to exude from my body; in all forms of tears,
laughter, dance, and embrace I am there in that moment and nowhere else. It,
all of it, has come together. Perseverance, affliction, endless days and
nights, Mother Nature, the intellectual warfare, physical complaints, and
barraging battles unique to their own, all have collided in that moment and it
cannot and will not be taken away…at least until the next meeting with the
foundation of rock bottom starts its vicious cycle again.
It heals and it
haunts…
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