Heals and Haunts

I mentioned in my previous blog “Baby Brows ‘Bout Time Buck” (http://camocandace.blogspot.com/2014/10/baby-brows-bout-time-buck.html) that I was working on a more ‘poetic’ version of the extreme emotional response to taking this buck…but to understand the highs, the lows must also be felt. In honor of the pure unfiltered bliss and bluster a hunter’s journey travels through I present this…I hope you can relate. 

  

Hunting; a consuming love triangle between me, my mind and the woods where learning how to fail is a staple of the journey.  It is a sickness that heals and haunts me, that brings me to the peak of my being and plunges to the depths of my soul. 

Before reaching a culmination of supreme perfection I press my face against the foundation of rock bottom where the cold, hard reality of heartbreak in the woods exists. Unfortunately this is not truly failure but a necessary moment each must turn and face at some point; however, in my mind and many like it, these are logged as failures long before a retrospective view is forced that ultimately leads to another scratch on the experience tree. There are moments where the bridge is burned solely to force a turnaround to face what you may have been avoiding or failed to see.

There goes my heart falling, falling, falling to the chasm created inside from a mistake, a misstep, or an uncontrollable moment only Mother Nature could create. When it hits, it hurts. It wrenches inside a pain that burns me, crushes confidence, ignites doubts, and envelops every thought. The world stops as a glimmer of self-pity sneaks in and weakness threatens to haunt me. I stagger and stumble through my mind in a cloud of disbelief, ambiguity, and empathy for any affected by this moment. It is a battle; it is hell on my mind, body and soul. Words cannot rectify it, comfort is out of reach and it is my solo internal struggle. Time, determination, dedication, and the inability to deny the fibers of my being will regenerate me and harmony will be restored; even if only briefly to carry on to witness the perfect moment we all seek. Unfortunately the return to heartbreak is nearly inevitable but it is the challenge, the moments, and the indescribable feelings inside that will always bring me back.

 After pure suffering through the dark moments of defeat, there comes a light that will shine brighter than ever before and blind the doubt that existed in my mind. With success comes renewed ambition, promise and confidence that the path I am on is deserved, honest, and merited. A successful shot is followed by a complete adrenaline release, uncontrollable shaking, tears, and a constant replay of the matter at hand. If the reward does not fall within sight all elation is stifled, just barely, by questionable ambivalence teetering on the brink of insanity followed by prayer. My heart is on the line, living in danger. Yes, no, good, bad, what if, please Lord.

But when that moment of confirmation arrives there is nothing, I mean nothing that can contain the passion, intensity and spirit of seeing the animal down. Typically I freeze in disbelief as my heart leaves my body and soars to the Heavens with gratitude and the tears continue to drain all logic from my mind leaving only emotion. It is raw, pure, unfiltered euphoria; a high like no other. As I move to feel the concrete evidence of my success and sustenance, the smile spread across my face can be seen for miles and is broken up with intervals of laughter as enthusiasm continues to exude from my body; in all forms of tears, laughter, dance, and embrace I am there in that moment and nowhere else. It, all of it, has come together. Perseverance, affliction, endless days and nights, Mother Nature, the intellectual warfare, physical complaints, and barraging battles unique to their own, all have collided in that moment and it cannot and will not be taken away…at least until the next meeting with the foundation of rock bottom starts its vicious cycle again.

It heals and it haunts…

Content in Colorado

 

I am not the first, I am not the last, there have been many before me, there will be many after me; but I am one. One of the blessed to have set foot into a world that cannot be explained through pictures, videos or descriptions alone. It must be experienced, smelled, touched, lived, harnessed & embraced.

 

It will wrap you up, consume you, and dominate your entire soul without much effort. You will become its host as it dives deep into a part of you that has never existed in the forefront of your being. It will transform your thoughts, your breathing, your perspective & your movement through moments that captivate & morph your mind.

 

So cheers to you Colorado for every single tiny moment you presented to me and know that the one word that punched me in the heart with every step was thankful. But that single word fails to fulfill the vast amount of emotion I have about it.

 

 

The following is an attempt to respect the high country with each moment, thought, reflection or encounter with forever gratitude of each…

 

*The opportunity to make the journey to such a beautiful place with such genuine people

   

*A safe trip to and from our destination

*The motivation provided to push my exercise routine to the max prior to the trip and the hard work paying off carrying me through the mountains over 40 miles. Being able to focus on everything else and not being tired or sore was phenomenal and worth every drop of sweat leading up to the trip

 

 

 *Spring water from the sink faucet to fill up my Platypus hydration pack (South Texas misses the mark on tasty sink water!) 

 

*Pockets – oh how I am indebted to my pockets! Some filled with gear while others were filled with almonds and protein bars

  

*REI and the LOWA boots they fitted me with. (Lowa Renegades to be exact) Light, comfortable, and carried me for 7 days without fail, through rocks, water, steep inclines, and deep ravines

  

*Great weather! Although it was a bit too hot for elk, we could have had rain, hail, sleet, etc throughout the trip. Even though we did not get an elk the gorgeous weather made for unforgettable views and memories 

 

*Being overwhelmed by the Aspen eyes and the changing leaves just in the short time we were there. Some thought the Aspen eyes were creepy but I thought they were caring and watchful. I felt safe as the mountain watched over me and the others and embraced me in their warmth of their yellow leaves. Sitting and glassing or calling one leaf would fall and seemingly tap me on the shoulder and whisper to me. Magical and content.



 

  

*All of my senses – Vision (which for some of you know my struggle) to be able to see and feel with my eyes the unparalleled majestic views that were continuously presented to me. The pictures fall far from reality, fail to provide the angles and nuances witnessed

Smell – the invigorating scent of nature’s air freshener of the towering pines pleased my nose (and the pine needles were even used to smash between my armpit to help reduce scent from a little sweating during some of the climbs! Yep I improvised!) The smell of fresh, clean, untainted air!

Hearing - rather listening not hearing. My ears were overcome with the moments of deafening silence then filled with the sounds of water. Tiny trickles in some areas, rushing over pebbles in others, and some splashing when I fell in a few spots. Birds, squirrels, mule deer tip toeing and hopping through the thick willows, followed by the screech of a hawk overhead and the hoot of an owl in the evenings. I listened constantly to my feet on the dirt, rocks, dried pine needles, and bark beneath as I was carried higher into the mountains

Touch - I reached out and felt everything; the cold, very cold, water on my bare feet and hands as I bear crawled across a rushing creek, the bark of the aspens, the strength of the willows as they cut into my hands as I held onto them to keep from sliding down the slopes, the wet dirt near the base of the pines, and the cool mornings

Taste - yes the taste of the rock face I kissed when I reached the top of one of the steepest mountains I have ever climbed and the intense salt flavor of a salt block I found on one of our hikes for the free roaming cattle. How could I not kneel down and taste it!

   

 

*The laughter, oh the laughter I am thankful for to have had with some amazing people. Although most of it was me being a dork there were so many moments of true happiness, laughter, and endless smiles that I cannot begin to list them all; in the mountains, in the truck, and back at the lodge

 

*The unique moments that cannot and will not be experienced again on any other trip; you cannot relive any of these 'firsts' again which makes them so special. Although we will go again and create more memories, moments, and monumental achievements, the first trip will always be special. The mistakes, the exploring and learning along the way, and all of the firsts of everything are burned into my soul

*The pure unfiltered experience of just being there; forgetting I was even hunting and staring in awe at everything God has made. All the moments when we just stood and stared; no words, no movement, just embracing the moment for what it is and that we were there in that place at that time. Finding the beauty in each and every piece of the mountain was enough to fill my heart even if a tag wasn't.

 

There is so much more I was thankful for on this trip that just can't be put into words, rather they are in my heart, pulsing through my veins, and filling my being until I can get back there soon.